New clothing items + some bag options

Me and Brandon after cleaning out our "treehouse" and "hangar".

6 years ago today, I received a really sweet message online from a rather dopey and nerdy guy from a rather obscure city east of Dallas. Since then, we’ve done a lot of growing up together as friends, as lovers, as co-workers. I’m so glad to have gained a great friend like him.

After cleaning and scrubbing today, we closed shop on our/his apartment, which we called our “treehouse” and “hangar.” It was really hard to let it go, but we’re both eager to move on to the next stages of our lives. We sat in each room remembering significant moments staged there, and other memories over the years: waffle parties, the Last Airbender and Cosby’s marathons, the breakups, the reconciliations, when I got a kidney infection, when he got kidney stones, his first solo apartment, my last solo apartment, Shadow as a puppy, drowning in the lake, starting a company, when we first met, so on and so many.

We reminisced over sparkling grape juice and bleachy all-purpose cleaner. Here’s to many more adventures.

Cheers.

Midwest + Austin Route

It was a last minute decision that seemed to be well-prepared for: My car had been serviced the week before, I had some money, and a week free of commitments. I planned my route for the Midwest (mostly) and alerted a few friends along the way that I would be coming through, and they were more than ecstatic about it. :]

Leaving Dallas, Entering Oklahoma

Leaving Dallas

Early Friday morning (Feb 10) I brushed off from my home in DFW with the passenger seat filled with the necessities: a cooler full of snacks and water, and my iPod. I made sure Selena’s Live! The Last Concert album was on it this time So good. I waved goodbye to the Reunion Tower on my way up i35, with a brief stop in Denton. Once I had made it past my self-proclaimed hometown of Denton, it seemed like forever to get to the Oklahoma state line. But all the more, I had this overwhelming sense of “I’m doing some intense sh*t right now. I am branching out on my own” for what seems like the first time, but I’ve always done things on my own. I was reclaiming my Loner identity.

I passed by the outlet mall in Sanger that Brandon and I went to when we first started dating in 2006. I remember hiding behind a pillar once because I was ashamed of my… well, my boner. He always did that to me; just looking at him, being in his presence excited me. As usual he was oblivious and wondered why on earth I was hiding behind the pillar. Always oblivious.

Entering Oklahoma

I am on my own now, I thought to myself. I cranked up the diva hits and soldiered on into Oklahoma, and a few hours later Kansas.

Which Way Wichita

Entering Kansas

After getting into Wichita city limits, it was particularly difficult jumping off i35 and onto i135, which also has a toll. Annoying. I hate tolls so much. Once I figured out the tangle of those roads, it was difficult figuring out which way to take at the fork and look at my Droid’s map app. I love my map app. It pretty much makes a nearly $100 monthly phone payment worth it, but I hate it when difficult road changes are one after the other AND there’s pushy cars behind me. Yeah, eff you and go around. But alas, after a few misdirections from my friend, Chris, a native Kansian (Kansan?), who claimed his knowledge overpowered my Google map app, I made it to meeting up with him and his friend, Devon from Denver.

Left: Definitely set the mood for lunch. Right: Me and Chris after massive burritos.

It was really great to see Chris again! It must’ve been 4 years since the last time we saw each other. I was very intrigued to see his features had matured. It’s an odd thing to be older, yet younger in some respects. Chris started a business well before the age of 24, flipping, restoring, and renting properties near Wichita. For as long as I’ve known him, he’s always so happy and outgoing and energetic. But like me, he’s gone through a recent breakup and he’s trying to get through it. He was planning to spend the Valentine’s weekend alone but Devon and I came through on the same day. Which goes to show, just when you think you’re all alone in the world, it’s your friends who let you know that’s not the case.

After a couple of hours of downing gigantic burritos and making fun of guys on Chris’s phone, we went our separate ways to celebrate our respective and newfound singlehoods. Chris and Devon married the night at the Wichita club scene, and I continued my quest to conquer the Midwest.

More to come about this trip later….

I created Arsenal Major and Arsenal Minor almost a year ago, but never released them on my blog. I wanted to portray the mindset of a heroine who had been “wild” or “undomesticated,” perhaps there was something unsettled within her. But then she meets someone who challenges the way she thinks and does things. Inner peace through love is what I think it’s about. You may come to a different conclusion.

Feel free to click on the artwork above or you can download here.

Photography by unknown, source is Tumblr.
Design by me.
Track arrangement by me.

Lykke Li—Complaint Department
Björk—Army Of Me (feat. Skunk Anansie) [Sucker Punch Remix]
Clinic—Harmony
Keane—Broken Toy
Rufus Wainwright—Vicious World
Nelly Furtado—I Will Make You Cry (Treavolta Edit)
Lenka—Trouble Is A Friend
Amy Winehouse—You Know I’m No Good (Skeewiff Remix)
Goldfrapp—Felt Mountain
Lykke Li—Little Bit (Aether Remix)
Rufus Wainwright—Rebel Prince
Santigold—I’m A Lady (Diplo Mix feat. Amanda Blank)
Goldfrapp—Utopia

What did you think of Arsenal Major?

Wine

• Not worth mentioning but I needed a wine: girl at Columbus Starbucks giving me the stink eye because I was waiting on her conversation with a fellow employee to be over. I tweeted, “If it were more than a dirty look, girl, I would ruin your day.” I would’ve made a scene reminiscent of Leslie Knope and her rival with the Pawnee Librarians. Don’t get between me and my Starbucks fix. -.-
• I am horribly tired and I still have to drive 6 hrs. And I’m also on a man-period. The world is in trouble.
• I hate that I didn’t get a chance to write about my personal experiences in Costa Rica before Suki left for her visit, but it’s probably for the better. I’ll still post about them eventually.
• February has zipped by way too fast. I haven’t gotten a chance to cleanse much. I’ve only unfollowed 20 Twitter accounts.
• My second attempt to present my naked self to people has fallen through again. I wanted to see a Columbus-based photographer who curates a “nudie magazine” (mostly of women), who was interested but I didn’t give him enough notice nor am I in the city long enough for a shoot. Why am I so bent on being naked in front of people: 1) I’ve never really done it in a non-sexual capacity, and I think it would expand my comfortability. 2) I’ve been taught that certain parts of my body is ugly, which has led me to believe a lot of or all of my body is ugly. And I just want to put myself out there as “this is me, ugly or not in your eyes — I am beautiful.” 3) It would be cool, and my grandmother has already given me her support.

Love

• I finally sat down long enough to write in my blog.
• I believe I’m officially acquiring a car tomorrow.
• I’m really fortunate that I’m able to do what I am doing when I am doing it.
• Being free is awesome.

Wine

• I’m having trouble focusing, but I’m getting things done. Just wish it went smoother.
• February has started off rough. Maybe it’s taxes or a lot of lonely single people in Dallas, but nobody is in a good mood, which has brought me down.

Love

• Given the amount of mopey people in Dallas, I think I should trip fairly soon.
• I believe I’m officially acquiring a car tomorrow.

What once were scattered, off-key, and hushed, my voices (heart, body, mind, spirit) are becoming more and more steady and unified this month. After being fired from my full-time job, realizing I had been in a quarter-life crisis, ending a 6-year love saga in November, disappearing into the rainforests of Costa Rica in December, and bouncing around New York earlier this month, I’ve been settling in again at my mom’s spare house here in Dallas/Fort Worth. It began with looking at this house and seeing how it looked and felt like me, broken down, worn out, and falling apart still. Yet it still has a fighting chance to be great.

Life
I originally thought I would stay here for a few weeks, but it’s been over 2 months. It’s been great, however, and my mom is glad someone’s taking care of the house while she’s away. But I have a plan. I’ve decided that I’m moving to Portland in July and studying psychology for a while. Not everything’s solid yet but I have a firm belief that I will get there. It’s been a dream of mine to live in the Northwest for a long time now. It would be great to live in that experience; a dream coming true. Overall, my life is going pretty well and quickly forming into what it should be, thus turning me into who I need to be.

Love
I haven’t been dating. Maybe I have. I can’t tell. I meet up with people thinking they’ve read my OkCupid profile and what I’m looking for (“activity partners, long-distance penpals”). But I always see that disappointed face when I tell them that I want to be single, and I’m only looking for friends. It also sucks because they’re really awesome and interesting enough to probably be more than friends, but I know that I could not give them truly what they’re looking for. I keep in touch with all of them, and they’ve all moved on with their search for love and relationship.

Truth time: I miss Brandon throughout my entire day everyday. At times it gets hard, and I have to chain myself to the toilet to keep myself from driving to see him and throw this whole crazy idea of being a confident, strong, self-trusting individual behind. But it wouldn’t improve our relationship at all. It would make it worse. Every time I see him, I see that he’s trying so hard to cope, and I just want to… be there. But being there makes things worse. It’s a given – this is just a tough, not pretty situation. I’m doing my best to respect distance and his feelings. The muscle still aches.

Design
I feel like I’m getting more and more in tune with my designer prowess again — slowly but surely. With my dual-ownership company taking a backseat, my solo freelance will be taking the wheel. I’m working with one of my long-standing clients and collaborating with a photographer friend of mine on my portfolio site. The design of which is going so well. I’m surprised at how I’ve gotten back on the design saddle; like riding a bike I guess.

Travel
Ending 2011 with Costa Rica and New York was a big finish to a really crappy (yet oddly rewarding) year. Gratefully, New York leaked over considerably into 2012. I remember lying on a friend’s couch in Queens, thinking “I was just in Costa Rica. Now I’m in New York. This is it. My life is traveling.” The moment signified a tremendous turn in my life. The moment also signified that this year will be full of travel. Confirmed: Las Vegas for Bloggers in Sin City, Los Angeles for VidCon — both are repeat cities, but I’m beyond excited to see them again and with new faces to meet.

Food
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more adventurous in trying new foods. To name a few: Vietnamese, Thai, Costa Rican/Tico dishes have graced this tongue. With meeting a new friend, Matt, I’ve discovered new foods in the veganish-vegetarian realm. I quite like shopping at natural/organic food stores than say, Walmart. Don’t think I’ll be converting to full vegetarian anytime soon. I am a Texan after all.

Music
As I mentioned recently, I’m going to be recording a song and producing it on my own as a project for getting comfortable with hearing my voice and not being afraid of instruments. I am ridiculous. But it’s a lifelong fear that I’m trying to eradicate. I believe I have a gift that I’m not letting shine. So, here we go: a Year of Voice.

Chicken List
I think a lot of my Chicken List will be knocked out in 2012. I told you it’s going to be a bold year. My balls are bigger than ever, and I am ready to kick Fear straight dead in his *ss. This month I conquered my fear of singing karaoke. It was relatively painless, and I wasn’t even drunk. I also bought a rock-climbing pass from livingsocial.com.

Do Something Crazy Every Month
While I’ve done a lot of things that could be consider “crazy” in January, my one crazy event was spurred by my spontaneity. On a whim, and with a little added peer pressure from some other bloggers, I registered to attend the Bloggers in Sin City unconference in Las Vegas (duh). And I have been prepping for it ever since! I already have my outfit for Mad Men night, and my flight ticket is bought. I’ve been researching some shows I want to see in Vegas. I was hoping Celine or Bette would be in season, but they’re not. Ah well! Apparently we have to wear wigs to this unconference, so maybe I’ll just be Bette.

Abstinence
Gawd! Even with my new boyfriend, this is rough. This is the hard part of coming out of a relationship where sex was readily available. But! Still going strong.

What to expect for February 2012: February is cleanse month; clearing out my Twitter favs, Tumblr likes, email accounts, more in-house minimalism, doing an actual cleanse with BluePrintCleanse. A trip to Austin to see my friends Linda and Ashley. Reducing debt as much as possible. And rock climbing!

Ignore the quality; I took these photos with my iPod Touch and HTC Incredible 2 smart phone.

1. Uh… yeah, ignore. :]
2. I bought a “gymbership”! My first time working out.
3. Matt and I checked out Penne Pomodoro’s in Lakewood/Dallas. Their focaccia bread was delicious!
4. Matt! He’s been giving me pointers on life in Portland and exposing me to the vegetarian lifestyle. I dig!
5. Matt and I checked out Starfucker, Painted Palms, and Alexico! I had a great time. Matt not so much.
6. Meet Matt’s furball, Beth the Catloaf.
7. Home Improvement: I’ve been making minor improvements outside of the house. Our lamp was not working, so I just replaced the bulb. Now we can see and it keeps robbers away.
8. After the STRFKR show, we went to Velvet Taco on i75 in Dallas! The Applewood bacon and egg taco (#18) was soooo good. Thanks, Matt!
9. “I will do whatever it takes.” I have this on my iPod and look at it when I work out to keep me going and motivated. I briefly think about Portland when I read it, too.
10. Rita Repulsa, we meet again! I was venturing the toy department and thought it was peculiar that she was alive again. I thought we did away with her!
11. I went on a dinner date with my friend, Chelsey, at Dream Cafe in Uptown Dallas. We gawked at the waiter the entire time. Dreamboat!
12. Matt was having computer problems, so I took a swing at it. It was my first solo hard drive extraction. I wiped it clean and re-installed a new copy of Windows 7. It was simple.
13. I’ve been missing meals being made for me lately, so I learned how to make grilled cheese and turkey sandwiches. I also made dinner for my sister one night: Chicken Alfredo with delicious dinner rolls. Of course, all from a bag.
14. The Dr and I became re-acquainted for like 2 days (that’s how long he lasted). It reminded me of hanging out in Brooklyn. Good times.
15. BRAVOR volunteered at the North Texas Food Bank with 4 other great folks. All 6 of us sorted 2 pallets/2,105 lbs/1,754 meals-worth of potatoes for North Texas families and individuals.
16. There was a warm front one day so I got a haircut, grabbed a Passion Tea Lemonade from Starbucks, and hung out in West Village. It was bliss.
17. Marlon and I singing some Whitney Houston song, my first ever karaoke performance.
18. Home Improvement: Another light fixture that needed some love. It was so easy. Why did it take us so long to replace those bulbs??
19. My first ever canoli from Whole Foods. Again, gotta give props to Matt for the support and healthy food education. It was good.
20. I decided to go on a staycation in Dallas at the Le Meridien (Galleria) for 2 days. It was heaven. I was so surprised by the work desk, and the arrangement, and the hot water (we don’t have hot water due to some electrical issues; I am truly roughing it). It was great time. On the last night, I picked up pizza and a moscato from Whole Foods and watched Submarine (2010). Good movie.
21. One morning, I woke up in my hotel bed not wanting to move. It felt so great to have my own space and privacy and comfortable bed.
22. After I checked out at Le Meridien, I went shopping at the Galleria mall across the street. I bought 3 outfits to replace some rags. Trying on new threads was another morale booster.
23. Stacy and I decided to check out the Gaultier exhibit over the weekend. The lines (yes, lines) were insane, like the outfits and hologram faces on the mannequins, too. Afterwards we went to Carmine’s, a pizza joint near the Arts District that never disappoints. We talked about relationships and how Lenny Kravitz makes us feel naughty. Riding the trolley was a pleasant experience to and from the Arts District.

Overall, January was great, having started with a bang (or, ball drop) in New York surely set the pace. I’m hoping February is just as eventful.

How was your January?

In this video, I’m tackling John Mayer’s “Slow Dancing In A Burning Room.” I’ve decided that it’s the song that I’ll record as my first ever self-produced track. I may decided to choose something less… content-specific. But I think it’s great to practice with, at least. It feels great to let my voice out to play. I might end up doing a 365 to help force me to play and not be afraid to sing.